It can be difficult to know what to say to a friend with an autistic child, especially if the autism diagnosis is new and your friend is still struggling to make sense of it.

A friend of mine dealt with her daughter’s autism diagnosis years before I had any idea Doodlebug might be autistic. At the time, I was knee-deep in newborn diapers and I had NO IDEA what my friend was facing – the worry, the anxiety, the unknown future.

I know I said all the wrong things. I realize that now.

I know what I needed to hear when we were facing Doodlebug’s diagnosis and, sadly, it was often what I did not hear from anyone.

How are you?

This simple question often made me cry. Oh, but it was a good cry! All you can think about is your child – Will he be okay? Will he be happy? Will he have friends? What will his future look like?

So when someone actually asked about me, it forced me to pause and think about myself for a moment. And all my built-up emotions were released in a cathartic flood.

Let your friend cry. Let her vent about all her worries and fears. Bring some tissues – she will thank you!

How can I help?

The learning curve of an autism diagnosis can be harsh. Suddenly, you’re given referrals for specialists and therapies that you’ve never heard of and hearing new terminologies that are crucial to your child’s development. There are tons of phone calls that need to be made to insurance and therapy organizations. The waitlists alone are enough to send someone spiraling into a panic attack.

Reach out a helping hand. Offer to babysit. Schedule a play date where you watch the kids and your friend makes some phone calls or takes a shower.

Bring over a meal or your friend’s favorite take-out. I remember a casserole left on my doorstep gave me one less thing to deal with that day, one less decision that needed to be made.

These seemingly little things will make a big impact for your friend when she’s overwhelmed.

I’m here for you.

Your friend’s initial thought maybe that life as she knows it is over. Even though life is technically the same, everything feels different. You’ve made an abrupt move to an island and none of your familiar friends live there. It is incredibly isolating.

Help your friend feel connected. Send a text or call just to say “I’m here if you need me.” Keep inviting her to all the typical activities you used to do together. Let your friendship be a comforting constant that she can count on.

Weathering a difficult time with a friend, especially when her experience and emotions are foreign to you, is the greatest gift you could give her.