I remember the first time so well.

The room was dark and quiet, except for a white noise machine shushing me into a too early sleep. I had just finished nursing Doodlebug when his tiny arm reached out for my chin. His fingers danced across my face, charting a map from my lips to my nose and finally settling on my ear. I was so happy that he was exploring and reaching out for me. Connecting. Doodlebug rubbed my ear lobe, like a worry stone, until he fell asleep.

And that was it – the moment our ears became fidgets.

It happened again the next night. And the next. And the next. Seven years later, rubbing ears is still Doodlebug’s favorite calming strategy.

It became one of those sweet, unique things about Doodlebug that his therapists, teachers, and babysitters would smile and gush about. We joked that if Doodlebug touched your ears or played with your earrings, you were one of his trusted people. You were in his circle.

In my heart, I know I would do anything for my Doodlebug. If rubbing my ear soothed his rising anxiety, then my ear he would have. Except… Except when Dr. Daddy’s ears were rubbed raw and required ointment and tons of bandaids to heal. And that season of motherhood when I was nursing little Ladybug every few hours and felt constantly over-stimulated and over-touched. Or that time when he pulled on my earrings so hard that my ear lobe almost ripped. (Yes, I didn’t wear earrings for years after that. Ouch!) So it’s not so easy to be someone’s fidget or their physical soothing mechanism, even when they are your heart personified.

Fidgeting and stimming is common for people with Autism. We did not want to discourage something that Doodlebug needed, something that calmed him and made him happy. Yet, we also didn’t want bleeding ear lobes. We went through periods of saying no and taking turns “Mommy’s ear! Daddy’s ear!” We tried to get him into something else with no luck. I even considered purchasing a rubber ear off Amazon. Seriously! Dr. Daddy talked me out of that one.

We used this as an opportunity for a lesson about personal space.

We talked about other people’s bodies, personal space bubbles, and body autonomy. Through social stories and role-playing, Doodlebug is learning to ask permission to touch our ears.

We redirected him to other soothing objects when possible.

Sometimes a special stuffy or favorite blanket could be replaced for the ear. We also kept a basket of little items in our bedroom for bedtime reading (the time of day when his ear touching was most robust – and painful!). Even though Doodlebug was not interested in other fidgets, a little toy or trinket held his interest long enough to distract him or until he fell asleep.

While it has gotten better, it is still a work in progress. We continue to encourage him toward other strategies, so that his ability to self-soothe is not reliant on other people. Doodlebug’s ability to self-regulate has improved as he has gotten older. Years of occupational therapy have helped as well. He may not rely on all the same soothing techniques as when he was younger, but ear rubbing is still —and may always be— one of his favorites