Twenty steps lead up to the second floor of the school. I know this for sure because I have had plenty of time to count them. Doodlebug walks so slowly up the stairs, backward so that he can keep looking at me as I smile and give him an encouraging thumbs-up. His boots clumsily search for the next step behind him. One step at a time.

This is our morning routine.

Finally, Doodlebug gets to the top of the stairs and we blow each other a kiss. I smile (brave faced) and yell, “Have a good day, buddy! You got this!” He waves and then reluctantly disappears around the corner. I stand there for a second to catch my breath. Before I can do that his little face, hugged between a scarf and beanie hat, reappears at the top of the stairs. He whispers, but I can read his lips. “I’m going to miss you.”

“What’s wrong, buddy?”

He says it again louder, “I’m going to miss you.” This time I can see him gulp back the tears and his cheeks are getting flushed. I know he is facing seven hours without me. Seven difficult hours. I’m trying to send him off as happy and as brave as possible.

“I’m going to miss you, too,” I call back. “But remember, I’m always in your heart.” I smile and point to my chest. “And you’re in mine.”

He nods and disappears around the corner again.

My own anxiety makes me want to run up those stairs, cup his soft cheeks in my hands, peck kisses all over his face, and tell him, “It’s going to be okay. It’s going to be okay. Everything is okay.” Or just scoop him up in my arms and take him home with me. Home to our safe place – home. I know that’s the opposite of helpful.

Just minutes earlier, I had kissed the air as Ladybug dodged my affection. She had spotted a friend and excitedly ran to her so that they could walk to class together. I loved that. I know she’s in the right place – making friends, discovering community, and excited about learning.

But sometimes it’s not the right place for every kid

What about the kid who doesn’t excitedly run away from your kisses? What about the kid who lingers at the door? How do you know whether or not your child’s school is right for them? How do you know this when your child doesn’t communicate his feelings well and making friends is difficult for him in ANY situation? His teachers tell you that he is moody and irritable. He goes to school sad and comes home grumpy. When does it get better?

I struggle with this every day. Every day that I have to send him off to school, I wonder if it’s the right thing. Even on the weekends, I fret over the coming school week. He’s so much happier at home, his anxiety is lower. Maybe he should stay? I never wanted to Homeschool, but maybe that’s what he needs? I do think a typical school is still helpful in his development. However, at what cost?

And that’s where I’m at. Sitting at home with a heavy heart and worrying about my kid.

When does it get better?